Getting A Divorce With Kids

If you are getting a divorce there is a lot of thing that need to be aware of. If you are getting a divorce with kids, there are some important things parents need to know.

Something, we became very profoundly aware of when we were doing that child custody evaluations for the court is this:

Children’s Issues Are Not The Parents Issues

Children’s issues are not the parents’ issues and vice versa. The parent’s issues aren’t the children issues. It’s easy for adults to forget about this when they are embroiled in a conflict over child custody. And they are thinking about all of these different issues, and the concerns, and the problem that they are facing. Well, that’s not what’s on the kids’ minds. It honestly isn’t. We have interviewed thousands of children in our career. And here’s what kids are dealing with in a child custody dispute:

Conflict of Loyalties

Children feel torn. When a judge asks them which parent do you want to live with? That’s too much of a burden for children. And this represents what the conflict of loyalties is all about for kids. It’s kind of like asking kinds, “Which hand do you want them to cut off? Your right or your left?” You might have a preference if you are right or left handed. And sometimes kids have a mild preference for either parent. But the thing is they need to have and ongoing relationship with both. And that worries them when their parents split. They feel a conflict of loyalties.

Reconciliation Fantasies

Another host issue for the kids, reconciliation fantasies. Now, that’s the cycle Babel term for, “Gosh, I sure wish mom and dad would get back together.” And they fantasize about that. Keep in mind that this really a powerful issue for the kids.

Fear Of Abandonment

Kids also struggle with a fear of abandonment. And it depends on their level of development, how they tend to process this. But here’s the reasoning: “oh, mom and dad are divorcing. I wonder if they are going to divorce me next” that sounds ridiculous to an adult. But kids’ issues aren’t adults’ issues. And they are actually afraid of this happening. That’ll give you some clues as to how you can help them with it too.

Adjustment To Changes

While we are talking about the kids issues, how about all the adjustments they get to go through? They might have to move, change neighbourhoods. They might now have two homes instead of one. These are big adjustments for anyone to make. And your kids get to make these. You don’t have 2 homes but your kids do.


Here’s a great example of parents’ issue that is not the child’s issue. Children are not… I underscore and repeat. Not marital property. People are not property. And children are not marital property that needs to be divided or split or somehow shared. They are people. Always keep it in your mind.

For any help or legal assistance do visit our website Palo Alto Divorce Lawyers.

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